английская роза (first draft)

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М.К. 

как мне нравится запах роз
и помню... как я любила
стоять на коленях перед тобой
Ах моя английская роза - последняя роза!
как у меня кровь идёт из сердца
как я хочу увидеть тебя снова
и, без шипов, гулять в жизни с тобой


или...

как мне нравится запах розы
и помню... как я любила
стоять на коленях перед тобой
Ах моя английская роза - последняя роза!
как у меня кровь идёт из души
как я хочу увидеть тебя снова
и, без шипов, гулять в жизни с тобой

Comments

  1. Vadim Lopatyuk27 August 2012 at 06:01

    «Гулять в жизни» - звучит неестественно для русского уха. Правильнее говорить «гулять по жизни» или «идти по жизни». Если бы я знал оригинал, я мог бы точнее подсказать. Скажем, «у меня кровь идёт из души» скорее всего имеет в виду «моя душа кровоточит» или (более высокопарно) «душа моя истекает кровью» (раз уж это поэзия)…

    На пунктуацию и орфографию мою особого внимания не обращайте - я в ней слаб, но в построении фраз помочь могу (конечно если это нужно) :)

    ReplyDelete
  2. Lucile Deslignères4 September 2012 at 01:09

    Merci beaucoup, I have to say this is not a really good poem of mine... beginner's poets should NOT mention ROSES...

    ReplyDelete

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